Cheese and Rice I Hate Puritans
So this morning I’m posting a recap of a recent trip to Big Bend on my favorite astronomy forum, and I did something bad. VERY bad. I used the word crap! Yes, that’s right, that evil vulgar word crap. I know it was bad, because the forum has a built-in automated censor function to prevent bad words from being seen by innocent cherubic youth so as to not corrupt them and send their souls to hell. And it took the word ‘crap’ and replaced it with “*BLEEP*”
I was so surprised and irritated by this that I determined to finally write this piece on the topic of curse words and semantics. Of course this required a bit of research but here I am, 150 Google searches and four hours later, finally getting it all out of my system. As it turns out, we can blame the fucking Puritans!
Evidently, back in the day (1500’s) it was quite common for people to take the concept of an official oath (like when kings or officials were ‘sworn in’) and use it in every day vernacular. It was their version of “I swear on a stack of Bibles” or “swear on me mother’s grave.” It was simply a way to add veracity to your statement. Eventually it became so common as to be thrown in to a conversation whether or not the audience was likely to believe your comments or not. Things like “by the wings of a goose.” But originally oaths were very solemn and were for the purpose of calling on God to witness an event or statement. And of course who would ask God to witness something if they weren’t serious about it, right?
And then the Puritans showed up and were righteously indignant about the deplorable state of English speech. Casual use of oaths was extremely offensive to them and they proceeded to harass at length anyone who dared to use them in their presence. They became so annoying that they were lampooned in many a play, including those written by William Shakespeare. They were generally portrayed and perceived to be obnoxious and hypocritical. And that really hasn’t changed to this day when it comes to the average conservative, fundamentalist religious person.
And just like today they were loud enough and persistent enough to have an effect. People began ‘mincing’ their oaths so that they could continue the same pattern of speech while not offending the Puritans. And for the most part, it worked. So instead of saying “Jesus Christ” you could say “cheese and rice” and Puritan anger was assuaged. Never mind the fact that you were still thinking “Jesus Christ” in your head, and that your audience was too. Your intentions were never the target of the Puritan ire, only the words. And the fact that minced oaths were mostly acceptable reinforced the hypocrisy of the Puritan. And so it is to this day.
So that’s how we end up with concerned parents being satisfied with the removal of the letter ‘k’ from a song that would otherwise say “if you seek Amy.” Now the alliteration is “F-U-C-A Me” instead of “F-U-C-K Me.” Oh good, everyone is happy now since their kids won’t be singing a bad word spelled out. Never mind the fact that the rest of the song is about forbidden lesbian love, we censored the bad word.
The bottom line is that our entire concept of ‘forbidden words’ in the English language stems from the original Puritanical attempt to keep oaths sacred. It is all about semantics and religious, pious hypocrisy and it pisses me off to no end. I will have none of it, and if it offends you then you are an idiot and you can go feck yourself. See? I did it again. I just told you to fuck yourself but since I used the euphemistic version of the word, you won’t be offended, but you should be! Because I said something offensive. No, you’ll just be upset because I use naughty words, never mind that I insult you personally. Why?
Because you’re a fucking idiot.
